<prepare for unwarranted terrible joke> Well, it looks like maybe he won’t be back. < / end terrible joke>

All jokes aside, the biggest news to hit the celebrity gossip feeds is that current governor and prior bad-ass-extra-groper Arnold Schwarzenegger and his political princess Maria Shriver have decided to split. According to the LA Times,

“This has been a time of great personal and professional transition for each of us,” the statement read. “After a great deal of thought, reflection, discussion and prayer, we came to this decision together. At this time, we are living apart while we work on the future of our relationship.
“We are continuing to parent our four children together. They are the light and the center of both of our lives. We consider this a private matter and neither we nor any of our friends or family will have further comment. We ask for compassion and respect from the media and the public.”

God. It always makes me feel bad for making jokes when people make these heartfelt statements about their break ups. Like, ugh, guys, how can I fit in a joke about farting under the sheets when you are genuinely sad about your impending divorce and the mind-warping stress that is about to ensue? Why can’t you say something like “YEAH WE’RE GETTING DIVORCED, PREPARE FOR THE DIVORCE OF A CENTURY, MOTHER F***ERS!”

Needless to say, it’s notch #42,900 on our bedpost of reasons to not get married. This couple have been together for 25 YEARS, and if sources are to be believed, they haven’t liked each other, much less loved each other, for quite some time. It’s probable that they kept the marriage together for the sake of their children and especially the press as Arnold embarked on his political career, so you can bet that in those California ads where they’re sitting at a romantic beachside dinner, they were actually muttering horrific things to and kicking each other under the table.

Reason #42,900 to not get married – you might be stuck together with someone you can’t stand for DECADES.