Real quick question for the Midwest and South: WHAT IS IN THE WATER OVER THERE? Hey – I’m the first to admit that the West coast has its share of people with a screw or two loose, but it seems like every story I read from your neck of the woods involves someone smoking bath salts or getting into fast-food brawls or attacking people with pool noodles after a watermelon dispute.

So explain to me! Is someone tainting your water? Are you guys still using vicious possums as a viable protein source? ARE YOU GUYS VICTIMS OF NUCLEAR TESTING OR SOMETHING? I am leaning towards the last one after hearing this recent story from MSNBC about a man in Arkansas with a foot fetish that has taken things a little over the line. According to police reports, two women in the area have reported a man approaching them and asking to suck on their toes – whether they like it or not.

From the source:

A woman claims that on Saturday she was shopping at a local department store when she noticed a man staring at her.

He approached her and “told her he loved her toes, and they were so long and beautiful,” the report said.

The man then told the woman that he had a foot fetish and that “her toes are so long and succulent” and he wanted to suck them. When the woman’s cell phone rang, the man retreated. She said the man had “messed up toes.”

Okay, fine. Weirdo with some sort of foot issue that carries over into his sex life says you have nice toes. Long and succulent toes, in fact. Yes that’s not the FIRST word I’d think of when describing feet, but hey, a compliment is a compliment. The next report isn’t quite as innocent:

Ruth Harris, an 83-year-old Conway woman, told police that she was sitting in a chair in front of her apartment.

A man approached her and said he liked her feet. According to a police report, the man took off one of her shoes and began sucking on her toe.

“The man then asked if he could kiss her and she had told him no and told him he was crazy,” the report stated.

DEAR GOD, MAN! AN 83-YEAR-OLD WOMAN? WHAT IF ONE OF HER TOES HAD FALLEN OFF INTO YOUR MOUTH (wait… he might have enjoyed that)?

The Arkansas toe-sucker is still on the loose, so if anyone approaches you asking to lick your luscious foot-boobs, call the police because that guy is probably one rejection away from a toe-slaughtering rampage.

[On the other hand, maybe he should just call Rex Ryan’s wife? Too soon?]

Gross.