Amy Winehouse is back! As you can tell, this look is classic Amy. The frighteningly distended stomach and shirt pulled up to her boobs, complemented by the same ballet flats she’s been wearing since the beginning of time. Oh and of course, she’s looking fabulous PASSED OUT ON A F***ING BENCH IN LONDON AT NINE IN THE MORNING, BECAUSE SURE, AMY, WHY NOT. This photo, accompanied by my own hangover induced nausea, incited me to list some reasons that you (Amy) should stop drinking. This goes out to everyone (Amy).

1) Hangovers

I am never less productive than I am when I can still smell vodka on my mouth. You just know it’s gonna be a bad day when you wake up with that “well at least it’s only 5 and I can sti- HOLY GOD ITS NINE I HAVE TO BE TO WORK LIKE, NOW?” And that is generally the way it goes down when boozin’ goes down on the weekdays. Cutting back on the beers during the week will ensure that your hangovers only happen when you have the whole day to cry into your vomit.

2) You’ve been looking a little… wide.

No offense offense or anything, dude (Amy), but you’ve been putting on some extra weight and it all seems to be falling about at the place where your pants should be buttoned, causing the ever-so-attractive “pouty lip syndrome” which is when your stomach folds over your jeans like a sad pouty bottom lip, and is also something I just made up. CALL THE TRADEMARK POLICE.

3) You’ve told me that story, like, 5 times.

Seriously, I know how mad you were at the lady at Rite-Aid. You were so mad. I know this because you already told me this story like 5 times last night, except last night you said you stabbed her in the heart with a trident.

4) Two words. Beer goggles.

Have you been watching Shark Week? There is that part in AIR JAWS where the shark bites and almost eats the seal but the seal has so much blubber that even though the shark gave it a disgusting gaping wound it’s still totally gonna survive, because of the all of the BLUBBER? Let’s just say that “dude, so hot” chick you are about to bring home would totally survive a shark attack. Because of the BLUBBER.

5) Hangovers

I know I already listed it, but it deserves reiteration. Hangovers are God’s way of telling us that no, skipping dinner and drinking two bottles of wine instead ISN’T a good idea, and that Jack Daniels isn’t “Happy Water” like you call it, and that alcohol is in fact poison not unlike Drano or Arsenic or a black bottle with skull and crossbones, and that maybe pouring in your face through a funnel (Amy) isn’t a great idea.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go drink a bar out of its inventory. HAPPY FRIDAY!