Annnnnd we’re back with this week’s dumb criminal off, which pits a nutjob and his bath salts against a dummy and his beer!

If you’re like me, you keep up to date on your White-Trash Drug of the Week, but if not here’s what you missed: “Bath Salts” are the street name for a substance that is meant to be either snorted or injected, and can bring about intense hallucinations, rapid heart rate, and even suicidal thoughts.

The most recent story of a bath salts user is equal parts sad, insane, and cautionary. However, this one also has juuuuust a dash of hilarity, which is why it falls into our favorite column of the week,

DUMB CRIMINAL OFF!

Everyone say hello to 19 year old Mark Thompson of West Virginia. He was recently charged with animal cruelty after he stole his neighbors goat, possibly raped it, and slaughtered it in his room.

According to the Sunday Gazette, it was about 3:15 am on Friday when Lisa Powers realized that he had stolen the goat from her yard. Powers had her nephew approach Mark’s room, demanding the goat be returned, when he apparently said, “Don’t come in, I’m naked.”(Obviously this is where it gets good) Powers’ nephew decided to ignore his request and opened his door anyway, to find Mark, pants down, with women’s underwear on, standing over the slaughtered goat and a pornographic magazine. When Powers’ nephew asked why Mark had the dead goat in his room, Mark sprinted from the room (clearly, as his mugshot shows, still in women’s underwear). Police eventually caught up with him, where he admitted he had been high on bath salts for three days.

He is being charged with aggravated assault. And being a total creep.

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Next up, we have the nameless, faceless, hopefully under-21 idiot who must have REALLY needed to provide some beer for a super hip party at the house of a girl he REALLY, REALLY wanted to sleep with.

Check out the video below, where a fool and his loot are soon parted, and all because the kid should have remembered to wear a belt.

How pissed do you think his friends were when they realized they weren’t gonna get any beer, were gonna get arrested, and would forever be remembered in a incredibly embarrassing YouTube video? I’m guessing Mr. Saggy Pants isn’t going to be their friend much longer.

As always, it’s up to you:

Who… Is… DUMBER?