I was very proud a few days ago to have found the World’s Dumbest Criminal, and I wondered how I could ever even top that in the weekly Dumb Criminal Off… I mean that guy was just a GEM. However, it turns out that while he may in fact be the world’s DUMBEST criminal, he is by no means the world’s craziest. Like they always say, there are other crazy nutjob weirdo fish in the sea to make fun of. That’s the phrase, right?

Meet Shawn Batie, a dapper gentleman from the cultural hub of America, Lodi, California. That last sentence was a joke, because I’m pretty sure the population of Lodi is 4, and one of those four is a cow. Anyway, cops were alerted to a man waving a flashlight and screaming in the dark around 10 pm last Friday night. When they arrived on the scene, I imagine they were a little more than alarmed, because they were confronted by a man, AND I QUOTE, “wearing an Oakland Raiders jacket, a g-string and a hair scrunchie around his genitals. He was also wearing socks.”

So far, I am DELIGHTED. However, it gets better. According to the police report, when cops asked why he had no pants on, he demanded that “they must have been taken.” Oh yes, exactly. They must have been taken. Of course!

The last line of the report, though, is what really pulls the entire story together and proves that Shawn Batie may in fact be the world’s (or at least Lodi’s) craziest criminal – according to the police, once Batie was put in a cell, he proceeded to smear his feces on the wall.

Now, I could easily make this into a PSA about meth, or the unfortunate state of drug rehabilitation in America, but instead I’m gonna go this route:

THAT, my friends, is why you NEVER become a Raiders fan. ZIIIINNNNNGGGGGG