I’m glad that researchers are still taking time to answer the most important questions in life, like how to cure cancer, and how we can slow the depletion of the ozone, and how we can establish more transparency in our government what makes people horny. Researchers at Guelph University have been trying to learn exactly what foods make people feel frisky, and which make them perform better once they get between the sheets.

According their research, these foods apparently “increase sexual desire”:

• Muira puama, “a flowering plant found in Brazil”
• Maca root, “a mustard plant in the Andes”
• Chocolate

And once you’re in bed, you’ll want to consume some of the following to “improve human sexual function”:

• Muira puama, “a flowering plant found in Brazil”
• Maca root, “a mustard plant in the Andes”
• Chocolate

Interestingly enough, none of these things are Cheetos, which is really infuriating to those of us who, shall we say, eat 3 bags of them a day. Guess you and I are done, Chester the cheetah.