Is it just me or are criminals getting dumber by the day? Like, exponENtially dumber, right? Like when was the last time a headline said, “Expert Genius Criminal Pulls Off Phenomenally Difficult Heist And Gets Away With It And Does Nothing Dumb The Entire Time”? OH WAIT, BERNIE MADOFF (HEY-OHHHH, SOMEWHAT OUTDATED TOPICAL JOKE!).

But seriously, other than the systematic raping of the public’s pocketbooks by soul-less balding demons in expensive suits, criminals are pretty much grade A dumb-asses, aren’t they?
Let’s take a look.

IN ONE CORNER, we have Ricardo Jones, age 37, who apparently REALLY wanted a beefy crunch burrito (yep, that one stuffed with spicy Fritos) from Taco Bell on Sunday afternoon. Seven of them, in fact. Unfortunately, Jones was acting under the misinformation that the burritos were 99 cents, which was their introductory price when Taco Bell added them to the menu a few months earlier. Once the deal was over, though, the price raised a whopping 50 cents to $1.49, and Ricardo Jones WAS NOT PLEASED.

Obviously, because we are all civilized adults and this is how civilized adults respond to stressful burrito situations, Jones whipped out an air rifle he had with him and proceeded to fire shots at the Taco Bell manager, run to the parking lot brandishing two air-powered weapons, and then fled the scene (I imagine he was yelling “BEEFY CRUNCH BURRITOOOOO” as he peeled out but that would be speculative journalism). Pulled over at a Rodeway Inn, Jones and a SWAT team were locked in a three-hour standoff until he was tear-gassed out of his motel room and arrested for aggravated assault. He is being held on $50,000 bail.

All over a three and a half dollar difference.

And second:

In our other corner, we have a guy who obviously doesn’t get that most Mac owners are Nerdy McNerdpants with the ability to track just about anything. Observe the idiot above, who stole a young entrepreneur’s laptop and then decided to perform a cute little dance on the computer’s built in camera with the “Photobooth” program. The owner of the laptop, Mark Bao, decided to access his hard drive to see if he could garner any info about the perp that took his stuff.

Lo and behold, the guy had left the perfect little embarrassing gem right where he had hoped, so up to YouTube the video went. We now all have this minute and a half long video to laugh at, as do I’m sure most of this criminal’s friends.

According to an updated report, the thief returned the laptop to police and sent the owner an apology via Facebook, including a request to PLEASE TAKE DOWN THE VIDEO of him. Mr. Bao politely declined the request, so this awkward little jam sesh is ours for the keeping.

The real question is: WHO IS DUMBER?