Just when I thought we had the most intense competition of all time (Great wall of Vagina vs Bomb Squad Vibrator) I cam across these two delightful news stories just this morning. It’s like someone is smiling down on me and saying, “no, my child, it gets worse. Trust me.”

So we have Karin Mackaliunas and Earl Lee Vogt, two determined individuals who unfortunately slightly overestimated the capacities of their respective, um… “internal carrying cases.”

In one corner, we have Karin, weighing in at 120 pounds from Scranton, Pennsylvania, who crashed her car last Sunday and was found with three bags of heroin in her coat pocket. Officers detained her and planned to cart her off to jail for possession of drugs, when they noticed her “fidgeting around in the backseat.” After struggling through a secondary search back at police headquarters, Miss Mackaliunas admitted she had more drugs on her… or shall I say, IN her.

According to the police report, a doctor unearthed 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used to package heroin, 8.5 prescription pills and $51.22 in cash FROM HER VAGINA.

Obviously the most important questions here are a) why was it necessary to add in the half prescription pill, and b) IN WHAT COIN COMBINATION WAS THAT 22 CENTS?! The public NEEDS to know this. I DEMAND THE TRUTH.

In our other corner we have Earl, 29, of California, who was sentenced and jailed last Tuesday on a narcotics conviction. When police noticed the scent of marijuana from his cell, they immediately searched him, finding a sock stuffed with a Kyocera cell phone, an MP3 player, ear bud headphones, marijuana, tobacco, and $140 in cash. They believed that the only possible way he could have brought the contraband in was by “keystering” it, or shoving it all up into his rectum. Their suspicion was confirmed when the suspect admitted,

“my ass is bleeding.”(I am not kidding. That is in the police report.)

Now, while Karin up there might have a higher count of actual items when you consider the individual bags of heroin and coinage, I am more impressed with Earl, who was simply trying to plan ahead. Facing incarceration is a tough task, and he just wanted to have some music and entertainment, so much so in fact that he shoved THREE different forms of electronic devices UP HIS A**HOLE.

That, my friends, is dedication.