Imagine you are working a 911  dispatch center, and a guy calls, and he’s in so much pain that he can barely speak, and you’re like, “9-1-1 WHAT IS YOUR EMERGENCY?” and he’s like, “MY… MY GIRLFRIEND. SHE… SHE DID SOMETHING.” And then you’re like, “okay sir, you have to tell me what’s wrong so I can help you.” But it sounds like he’s losing consciousness and you’re beginning to worry, but then finally he yells, “MY GIRLFRIEND BIT OFF MY BALLS!”

Just imagine that for a moment. Just imagine.

That’s exactly what happened when Martin Douglas of the UK called 911 at 4am last week. He and his girlfriend had a night out on the town, and after returning to their apartment wasted off their cabooses, they seemed to have gotten in an argument. I’m not sure if it was a mid-sex argument (which would be really weird) but she had unprecedented access to his crotch region and decided to take the opportunity to get some horribly awful revenge in the form of BITING HIS TESTICLES OFF.

Now, I’m not sure what behavior incited such a horrific act of violence, but suffice it to say she got her point across. Luckily she didn’t quite win – his NOW EX GIRLFRIEND was arrested, charged with “causing grievous bodily harm” (we think that’s putting it lightly) and is now not allowed to enter the city or approach him. As for the testes, you’ll be happy to know they have been reunited with their rightful owner.

Still.

OUCH.