I frequently try and scour my memory to remember what life was like before the internet, before cell phones and text messaging and dating sites and Facebook. It’s basically impossible. It’s like trying to remember being born.

However, I can occasionally take the time to remind myself how flat-out CRAZY some people on the internet are. That way I feel less guilty about the amount of time I spend (as my mother would say) “hooked up to the internets.” Luckily, the best place to do this is within our own system, with the “most used search terms” feature which tells us at BCU how people are finding the blog. They are always, without fail, hilarious. Observe:

1. “fat arm naket”

I know exactly what they were looking for. It’s this photo, which is hilarious and mean and kind of shocking and awesome. However, “naket”? REALLY?

2. “pee pees”

This is one of two things… parents need to install content filters or adults need to start using grown-up private part words.

3. “www.sex girl in bed”

This is fun because it was obviously typed by someone who time-traveled from the 1950s and doesn’t know how the internet works. First of all, they typed a WWW address into a search bar. Second of all, the left off the “.com,” and third of all, they stuck spaces in the URL which ISN’T EVEN A REAL URL. To whoever it is that hopped in a Delorean and came to the present time, I say Welcome, and also LEARN ABOUT THE INTERNET, IDIOT.

4. “dating your boys ex bootycall”

This is actually a legitimate search phrase that would understandably lead to this blog. In fact, we should talk about that soon. Perhaps tomorrow! Yes, check in tomorrow for “Is it Okay to Date Your Boy’s Ex Booty Call.” However, I’m pretty sure that if you’re trying to decide whether or not you should do something that could potentially ruin a friendship, maybe GOOGLE isn’t the first person to ask. Maybe your “BOY” is the first person to ask.

5. “tagged online dating”

Booooo. BOOOOOO!!!! How dare you search for a different dating site than OBC! We are offended. Shocked, and OFFENDED.

…and our favorite:

6. “snoop dogg dick size”

…uh…

Um. So, I guess… you know, sometimes… Sometimes you just wonder about things. And you get a question stuck in your head and you can’t get it out because you HAVE to know the answer. Like one time I wondered what the biggest pimple on record was, and I knew that the answer would be disgusting but I looked anyway, and then I found a video of a guy popping a zit on his neck that was seriously the size of a grapefruit and it was so disgusting that I threw up instantly, right at my desk. But at least now I know. So I guess, well… “snoop dogg dick size.” Sure.