In case you’ve been living under a rock and haven’t heard of this glorious event, let me give you a quick run down. STEAK & A BJ day is a holiday that was most likely invented by a douchey morning radio host with a 9th grade education, but is still the most brilliant holiday to be thought up since the Middle Ages. It honors two of the most important parts of life: red meat and oral sex, it falls on March 14th, and it should be celebrated with the same vivacity and recognition as its obnoxiously needy cousin, Valentine’s Day.

Any woman that is worth dating should jump at this opportunity to engage in the carnal traditions of the holiday, but on the off-chance that you’re dating a slightly more PRUDISH B***H demure gal, convincing your lady-friend to participate in this holiday to end all holidays might take a little bit of work. Let me give you a couple tips on how to bring up this sensitive topic, depending on your type of relationship.

IF YOU’RE married/practically married: turn it into a kinky way to spice up things in the bedroom
The key here is to NEVER MENTION STEAK AND BJ DAY. Instead, shoot her a text on the morning of the 13th after she’s left the house saying “you looked unbelievably hot. Can we have a “date night” tomorrow?” If she giggles like a little girl and says thanks and agrees to your date, you’re in*. Plan the entire night for her, buying the steak, setting up the table, pouring a little wine and a rose in the middle or something lame like that. After getting her a little saucy, make your move to the bedroom and suggest you not go “all the way” tonight. With any luck she’ll get the hint and you’ll be on the train to O-Town within a few minutes.

[* if she replies, “NO I DIDN’T YOU ASSHAT, WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT,” you might want to reconsider attempting this.]

IF YOU’RE totally whipped:  bring up another woman
As in, “Ha! Babe, it was so funny. My buddy at work told me his girlfriend heard about this “Steak and a BJ” day thing where couples grill up big steak dinners together and then the guy gets a BJ after. HA, RIGHT? And get this – she said she wants to do it for him! Hilarious, right? So, so FUNNY! Like, almost so funny you almost want to try it sort of maybe in a joking way or something I don’t know.”

This will imply that the entire idea was thought up by another woman, and not a guy named Chaynesaw. No woman who’s got your balls in a vice is going to want you demanding that she grill you a steak and then slob on your knob, so you need to casually bring it up like a funny, silly activity that you’re not really super into, but that another woman is willing to do. She will not want to be outdone by your friend’s girlfriend, so she’ll most likely buy the biggest ribeye the butcher’s got and dress up like a naughty nurse. Then, on March 15th, you will pay dearly. Totally worth it.

IF YOU’RE a business guy: handle it professionally like any other meeting
Do you and your girlfriend speak almost entirely through e-mail and text? Are you a 60-hour work week type of guy who coordinates meetings and golf times like a boss? Assuming you’re dating a woman who is a similar Type-A personality, treat the holiday like any other item on your agenda. Request her presence via e-mail to an important meeting that lasts from 7:30 pm to midnight. Say things like, “refreshments will be served,” and “important subject matter to be handled,” and “your participation is greatly appreciated and will be compens-” actually maybe not that last part. Still – somehow convey that you’re not planning on leaving her “unattended” to.

IF YOU’RE a “romantic”: gross. Figure it out yourself, Grossie.
Okay FINE. Let’s pretend that for the most part “romantic” dudes aren’t creepy, too-confident guys who watched a few too many Meg Ryan movies as a kid. If you’re a romantic guy and are going to try and propose this less-than-romantic holiday, use whatever innate charm you have to convince her that it could be a “beautiful celebration of love”. Plus, because you’re “romantic,” you probably did something over-the-top for Valentine’s Day, so feel free to use that as leverage. “Remember when I cooked you fresh scallops on a cliff-side picnic blanket surrounded by roses and a string quartet? How about you, y’know, reciprocate.” Except you wouldn’t say that, because you’re a “romantic” and also GO AWAY.

Steak and a BJ day is a once a year event which commemorates two of the things that make men men: a desire to tear the flesh from animals, and the feel of your junk in a chick’s mouth. If you have the determination and drive to make it happen, you will remember March 14th, 2011, for the rest of your life. If not, well…

sucks.