Just when you thought that Charlie Sheen took the cake for the nuttiest weirdo out there, you find out about Reverend Grant Storms, the vehemently anti-gay Christian pastor from Louisiana, was found outside a children’s playground masturbating in his van.

According to the Huffington Post, two women spotted him looking a little suspicious by the park, and when they approached the vehicle they realized he was indeed masturbating while staring at the school children. So, that’s nice. After being booked on obscenity charges, Storms released a statement which blamed pornography for the incident:

“Pornography is destructive and it can ruin a person’s life, and it ruined my life,” he said at the conference, admitting that he had his hands in his pants, but maintaining that he wasn’t masturbating. “Do I have problems? Yes. Did I do something wrong? Yes.”

Well, of course. Because you know how sometimes you’re watching some evil, life-ruining porn, and it’s like, girl on girl and super hot but also evil, and all you can think of is how much hotter it would be if you were parked in your van outside a playground watching little kids on jungle gyms instead? That’s because of the evil pornography, right? And not because you’re just a perv who’s into small children, right?

Let’s all give Charlie Sheen a high five for at least partaking in his debaucherous lifestyle with consenting adults in the privacy of his own home. HIGH FIVE, WINNER!