Secondhand Embarrassment (n): the empathetic, uncomfortable feeling you get when watching something unbearably awkward or embarrassing on television.

I experienced secondhand embarrassment for about four and a half hours yesterday while watching the Oscars pre-show, awards show, post-show and post-show post-show, which could all be combined into one show called “Hollywood’s Annual Circle Jerkathon.” Did you miss it? Don’t worry, you’re better off that way. But if you need something to chat about around the proverbial water-cooler, I’ll give you the run down.

1) JAMES FRANCO & ANNE HATHAWAY = BARF, BARF, AWFUL

My love and admiration for the slacker, stoner cutie that is James Franco was slightly tarnished yesterday when he dragged his feet through the entire show. The guy was actually NOMINATED for an Oscar and still couldn’t even PRETEND to enjoy his presenter role? And Anne Hathaway, my dear. You scare me a little bit with your 1940s beauty, but you didn’t need to make up for Franco’s lack of energy by putting 300% of yours into the show. The whole thing was contrived and silly, and though I give anyone props for hosting an award show that will be seen by like, half the world, you’d think they’d have found a couple with more chemistry than water and oil. [EDIT] Okay maybe James Franco did ONE thing right.

2) Melissa Leo drops an F-bomb

In what could be called the only “real” moment of the entire production, Best Supporting Actress winner Melissa Leo forgot her manners and casually lobbed a hard F-bomb right into the crowd. The ABC censors, of course, were ready to go, so all we heard in the audience was dead air, but the reaction from the crowd was priceless: one of those too-loud laughs like when your 90-year-old grandpa is about to say something racist and you hope that laughing hard enough will drown out what he says.

3) In Memoriam Corey Haim snub

This one comes from the “in memoriam” segment of the Oscars, which featured Celine Dion (obviously) singing some sad song while a slideshow of dead Hollywood industry members played. Most of them the general public had never heard of, and one “notable” figure was left out: 80s star Corey Haim. The Twitter-sphere (at least the middle aged Lost Boys fan portion of the Twittersphere) exploded in anger, wondering why the troubled actor wouldn’t get a spot in the yearly slideshow.

4) Natalie Portman does not thank Mila Kunis

Another whoops I forgot moment occurred when Natalie Portman won the Oscar for Best Actress in Black Swan. She plowed her way through about 500 names in 5 minutes, thanking everyone down to the camera men and craft services people on the set of the movie, but shockingly never gave mention to her costar. Let’s be honest here, many people wouldn’t have seen the ballet flick without the premise of “super hot lesbian scene with Mila Kunis,” so we’re very surprised Natalie forgot to mention her. To be fair though, Nat was looking super preggo so maybe her hormones are screwing with her brain or something.

5) The Kings Speech

won everything despite no one having seen the film. Good job?

6) Autotune the Oscars

Just more proof that the Academy has jumped the shark, this ridiculous piece of junk happened right smack dab in the middle of the multi-million dollar award show. CAN WE BE DONE WITH AUTO-TUNE NOW? PLEASE?! It started like, sort of maybe a little funny, if not a bit cheesy, and progressively turned into me scrambling for the remote so I could change the channel before I stabbed my ears with dull pencils. Can we just stop the jokes and the silly little skits and just let the Oscars be what they are? A chance to find out if celebrity women have put on any weight, who has the most expensive dress, and which movie is going to be on backorder on Amazon for the next month but will be forgotten by the next years awards.

THAT’S IT, guys. Award season is finally over and we can now get back to the important business. MARCH MADNESS starts in about two weeks, and we can’t WAIT.