Sure, it’s unfortunate that this Brach’s candy heart had to found by a Ciara Bush, a 12 year old girl in California. And sure it was probably the product of an over-worked, under-paid immigrant in a factory somewhere who had been told he’d lose his job if any more hearts came out as triangles.

But can we agree that this is a pretty hilarious story? That if you opened up a big, foul-smelling bag of those chalky tasting candy hearts and the first one you pulled out said NICE T*TS, you’d probably laugh your ass off and immediately show everyone you knew? We all agree on that, right?

Let’s be honest, those little candy hearts are everything that’s wrong with Valentine’s Day – no, holidays in GENERAL, these days. Crappy flavor, low quality, no purpose other than to conform to the traditions of Valentine’s Days past and make money for the corporate bigwigs to pay for their hookers.

I propose we come out with a full line of dirty candy hearts, ones that you might, say, give to a favorite booty call along with this card. That way this year you can buy little chalky hearts that at least say what you mean. No more of this, “TRUE LOVE” BS, and a whole lot more of “WANNA F***”.

Or, you know, something like that.