This has been a tumultuous week, hasn’t it? The ups and downs on Eva Longorias love life, Jessica Simpson buying her own engagement right because she is so totally OMG okay with Nick Lachey getting engaged and this is not at all an attempt to overshadow him, and of course, ol Mel. Come on, Mel, just leave the country already. Here is your weekly dose of celebrity, and don’t forget, a spoonful of Four Loko makes the celebrity go down.

This guy lived out our wildest dreams by shooting a hole in his television at the mere sight of Bristol Palin on Dancing With the Stars. YOU GO, STEVE COWEN. [Dlisted]

Eva Longoria is about to be back on the market, everyone. Hit the gym. [The Superficial]

We love looking at Natalie Portman’s hot P of A so much, we’ve shown you twice: as a video on [BCU] and as stills at [TheBlemish]

The Prince of England is getting married and apparently people care? [People]

Oh GOD NO! Blade is going to prison! NOOOOOO! [Huffington Post]

Harry Potter came out and apparently I REALLY F*CKING CARE, OKAY [NY Times]

The one from Jersey Shore that isn’t Snooki or JWoww has come out with a song. Have you ever heard the sound of chalk on a blackboard of the back of a dying hyena? NOW YOU HAVE! When we asked Dean of BCU Moses Brown what he thought, his thoughtful response was as follows:

“Fortunately, I was forewarned of this disaster, but like those who disregard hurricane warnings from the emergency broadcast system, I pushed the play button anyway. Synthesized instruments and auto-tuned vocals did not dampen the ensuing agony that only an English manicure could produce. What is “I’m Hot” by Angelina, Alex? In the end, it wasn’t pure torture without reward. There it was after the 4:25 of misery — similar to a shake-weight exercise routine in public: Laughter.”

If that doesn’t make you want to listen to it, I don’t know what will. But just… have a bucket nearby.