As you may or may not know, I have a long standing crush on Keenan Cahill, AKA BeenerKeeKee19952 on YouTube. Something about that pubescent skin and oddly huge head shape and Stone Henge teeth and Billy Crystal hair just stole my heart and did an awkward dance with it. However, I was of course, in love with his just-under-the-radar fame and YouTube success, and now I’ve learned he totally sold out.

According my sources who stay up past 10 pm (some of us have a very finely tuned internal clock and can’t help it, okay), this video premiered last night on the Chelsea Lately show. While it looks at first glance to be my lover, alone in his room as usual, lip syncing to a hot rap track, it’s completely MASSACRED at 1:20 by the appearance of 50 Cent, who, with a short 2 minutes, ruined my chance of ever embracing my true love. I know he’s now more in the league of Victoria’s Secret models and, most likely, Tila Tequila.

So dear Keenan, as I’ve seen you have moved on from our relationship that you may or may not have known existed, I shall now retreat into my cave of sadness and wait for another disproportionate 15-year-old pop-song lip-syncer to hit the Youtubes so I can, perhaps, love again.

::SOB::