Just when I thought there was no possible way I hadn’t heard every disgusting sex metaphor in The Book Of Disgusting Sex Metaphors, the human-like parasites of the Jersey Shore stumble drunkenly in and explain how wrong I really am. In a recent episode, Snooki was overheard comparing her and Vinny’s awkwardly propositioned sex to “putting a watermelon in a pinhole.”

First of all — pinhole? HAHAHA, I’m SURE.

Second of all — EW.

Needless to say, I was apparently alone in my revulsion at the statement because the classy broads over at Playgirl have decided that now they want to create a mold of the Guido’s disco stick for sale to the general, morbidly curious public. What are they willing to pay their humble model? Oh, just THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS.

$30,000 might not seem like an huge quantity of money, but if you get down to do it,  he’s getting paid thirty thousand dollars for getting drunk and accidentally sleeping with a dwarf on TV.

So if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna get in front of a news camera and smash my face repeatedly into a curb and see if I win the lottery.