As the BCU staff digs up their football jerseys and starts stocking the communal lunch fridge with beer (seriously guys, where am I supposed to keep my carrot sticks), we come to realize that a new age is upon us. Fantasy football strategy sites are added to the Bookmarks bar, and office pranks begin to take a sharp turn for the worse. It should be known that in our office there reside fans of 4 (FOUR!) different football teams, so there is rarely a time when the pungent smell of hatred doesn’t permeate through the cubicles.

I. CAN’T. WAIT.

However, as a female football fan, I feel it’s time to remind all the gentlemen out there of a few important things. Don’t get me wrong, I love celebrating awesome feats of athleticism, pretending to understand football terms while downing beers as much as the next person, but there are still some things we need to talk about.

1. You should wash that jersey/those underwear/your body

I don’t care if your team won 4 times in a row when you wore those boxers, or that you believe that face-shaped mustard stain is shining beacon of hope that won the Super Bowl for the Saints, YOU ARE A GROWN MAN. WASH YOURSELF, AND YOUR CLOTHING. Otherwise, I’m going to stop shaving my legs and start wearing Birkenstocks with socks. Everywhere.

2. FINISH YOUR BEER.

My next project for my friend-group is to invest in a set of about 20 custom beer cozies with everyone’s names clearly on them, so that my Mondays don’t have to begin with me wandering around the house collecting wounded soldiers (i.e. half-full beers covered in flies). It’s just despicable, you know… there are sober people in Amish country. I swear someday I’m going to pour all the wasted beer into a giant keg, re-aerate it, and serve it to my house guests, backwash, cigarette butts and all.

3. There are non-homophobic insults you can use, did you know that?

If I had a nickle for every time someone referred to their team sodomizing another team, or their team dipping their balls into the other teams mouths, or forcing the other team’s tight end to fellate their quarterback while being sodomized by their defensive end, I would be so rich that I’d be writing this blog from my villa in France. Seriously guys, get a new tactic. It’s getting old.

4. Let’s keep the weight gain to a manageable 5 pounds, shall we?

It’s cold out, and jerseys do a fabulous job of masking your extremely unnatural spare-tire, but guess what, football season doesn’t last forever, and at some point you will have to take that gear off. And the unpleasantness of a guy 17 weeks into a pizza-and-beer-binge is not a pretty sight. So keep in mind your Sunday intake and maybe hit the gym a little harder on Tuesday and Wednesday, since I know those are the only two days you don’t think about… strike that- I mean, that you don’t WATCH football.

5. All athletic feats and hometown pride and fantasy football winnings aside, remember – it is still, in fact, just a ga-

JUST KIDDING DEAR GOD I’M KIDDING