A recent LIFE slideshow listed the ways that New Yorkers are able to spot a tourist — from how slow they walk to how they gawk at celebrities. As a person who is planning on making a trip to the other coast this year, I felt a little miffed (codeword for annoyed as s***), because everywhere in the world is like “Blah blah tourists, why do you look like a tourist blah blah?” And I’m like, “Because I’m a tourist, blah blah?” So fine, if everyone is boarding the tourist-hating bus, then I will too. Because, sure, you New Yorkers have to deal with tourists, but for the most part, they stick to the comparatively small Times Square, where as here in San Diego, they spread like a quickly moving disease to every available orifice in our fine city.  So, in return, here are the top 7 ways we know that YOU’RE tourists.

7) Your swim attire is all wrong.

We in San Diego like to differentiate ourselves from LA folk — we’re more laid back, less superficial, not as trendy. Until it comes to your swimwear. If your board shorts have elastic waistbands? DEALBREAKER. Do you have beer brand flip flops? DEALBREAKER. Is there ANYTHING with hibiscus flowers on it? GET OUT.

6) You have plans to go to Sea World AND the Zoo

World famous, schmorld famous. We’ve all been to the zoo so many times that taking visiting relatives or friends has become a task more than anything. “There’s a… thing with legs, and there is an empty cage, and there’s SUCH A BIG HILL OH GOD CAN WE LEAVE YET.” And Sea World? We’d rather hit our heads repeatedly on a cement brick.

5) You are taking pictures of your food

This is generally a  foreigner thing, like “Sweet God look at these proportions, no wonder Americans are such fatasses. Let’s pretend we ate this and then don’t.”

4) You are on a tour… but of what?

I always notice these people out and about on guided tours and the guide is pointing up at a building, and I’m like, that building is 5 years old, what could you possibly be learning? That one time Hilary Duff’s mom’s cousin stayed there? Sure, San Diego’s been around for a while, but for the most part, we’ve ripped down the historical junk to make room for yogurt shops and Hooters. Give me twenty bucks and I’ll show you where Alonzo Horton use to stick his P in prostitute’s Vs, because seriously that’s the only interesting thing we’ve got. And also that place is a nightclub now. Go to the beach, stupid.

3) You’re in the water, at the beach, in June,  and also you have SO MUCH STUFF.

What are you doing? Haven’t you heard of June gloom? That water is like, 30 degrees and you look miserable. And also, why did you and your family build a COMPOUND of umbrellas and tents and coolers and more umbrellas? Isn’t the point here to be in the sun?

2) You’re riding the trolley.

Everyone knows San Diego’s mass transit is a joke. It’s unpredictable, unpractical, unreliable, and gross. I mean, in a city that is 40% coastline, you’d think our public transit would go, oh I don’t know, to the beach? Or the airport? Or anywhere that people want to go? We all go ahead and assume that anyone getting off the trolley in a polo shirt is probably straight off the airplane, or should I say cab from the airplane because the trolley doesn’t even go to the airport.

1) You are at Dick’s Last Resort.

No one goes to Dick’s.