Breaking up is hard to do, so Neil Sedaka said, and we agree, except in times when an entertaining, out with a bang break up is necessary. Perhaps you caught your SO in a tryst or have finally realized that without some sort of catastrophic event, your relationship will never end and you’ll be stuck watching House reruns until you reach the age where a diaper becomes a part of your outfit.

Are you in one of these situations? Here are some of the most undebatable, awesome ways to break up.

1) Become gay

We say this as a joke, because we know that people don’t just become gay, but if you one day met up with your partner in a sequined vest or a plaid flannel shirt (as a guy or girl, respectively), and start spouting off about “new feelings” and “a special new friend” and “seeing Rent on Broadway some day because I feel Maureen’s pain,” and they should get the hint.

2) Go into the Witness Protection Program

Concocting an exciting, death-defying crime that you witnessed is the most fun part of this break up method. I like to go with some sort of gangster murder or a drug heist or a senator getting a blowy from a transvestite. The less fun part is explaining to them that you’re being sent to live somewhere no one knows about and that they can’t come with you because you know there’s going to be a whole bunch of the not-cute sobbing/nose running going on. Not cute. Note: you will have to avoid all mutual hang out spots for at least a year, or until you grow a beard, whichever comes first.

3) Joining a monastery (or nunnery [do those exist anymore? I don’t know])

No one can be angry at you for deciding to devote your life to a higher power. Perhaps you saw a vision in your peanut butter and jelly, or maybe Jesus spoke to you while you may or may not have been drinking absinthe? Who knows. Either way, like #2, this one is tough to pull off when they see you slamming back Washington Apples, so… do your best to avoid that.

Do you have any great breakup stories? We want to know!