I write this post with a heavy heart, as currently San Diego looks less like our beautiful, sunny city and more like Seattle or Ireland or some terrible frigid place where water falls from the sky in the middle of July. How is it that the rest of the world is experiencing record-breaking heat, we’re stuck here with the cold and the clouds and the water falling from the sky? I mean, what even is that stuff?

Oh and also the earthquakes…oh god…  they won’t stop.

Anyway, for the rest of you lucky SOBs in the hot parts of the world, here are some great ways to keep cool when the sun feels as though it is shooting lasers at your skin.

1) Become nocturnal

The blazing hot days can be miserable if you aren’t around a convenient, uncrowded body of water, so by becoming cat-like and sleeping through the day and going out at night, you’ll spend most of the day in a dark room with a fan on. Wake up at about 6, when the sun is making its descent. This works especially if you don’t have a job and live in your parents basement.

2) Pick up a new hobby

Such as reading library books or trolling the local Costco for snacks — these places are generally very air-conditioned, and plus, they’re free (minus your yearly Costco dues but that’s totally worth being able to snag 80 packs of string cheese, amiright?).

3) Stock your freezer and fridge

Not just with delicious treats like Otter Pops, frozen grapes, and ice cream. Keeping a spray bottle of water in your fridge is a great way to a) cool down after a hot day and b) spray your drunk-ass roommate when they pass out on the toilet.

4) Sweat it out

This may seem contradictory, but a hard gym sesh that really makes you sweat followed by a cold shower is one of the best feelings you’ll have. Plus, the more you work out, the more acceptable it’s going to be when you

5) Get naked

Our public nudity rules in this country are pretty harsh, and I can’t help but believe it’s correlated with our high rates of obesity. There is a reason most French beaches are nudity-acceptable, and it’s because most French people don’t subsist off DiGiornio pizzas and Mountain Dew. However, if you’ve been working it out, getting buff — we’re sure no one will oppose to you hanging in your house with a fan on and little to nothing else.

There you have it, rest of the world. Now if you could just do us a favor and send some of that sunshine our way, we’d greatly appreciate it.

Also, that photo of Shannon Elizabeth is from a website called CelebritySweating. So… there’s that.