Today’s official countdown to the World Cup post is a look at the players who are about to star in the 2nd most exciting sports tournament in the history of tournaments, falling only behind those Lion versus Man fights back in Ancient Rome.

Unfortunately, yours truly has absolutely no idea who or what is good/bad in soccer (football, whatever), so I had to consult GQ magazine to find a decent list. When sent to another BCU staffer for approval, he was quoted as saying, “This list is bulls***,” followed shortly by “but don’t say that I said this list is bulls***.” Then he made a few alterations to the list, and now I am sharing with you the top 5 players to watch this World Cup, with facts and stats I am not 100% sure of.

1. Lionel Messi – Argentina

According to my source, Messi is “the best player in the world,” and is the bar to which all other players are measured. A former Barcelona player said “you need a machine gun to stop him,” which sounds like a subconscious admission of his desire to mow him down with bullets.

2. Wayne Rooney – England

Apparently during the last World Cup this dude stomped on another dude’s jingle-jangles. Which seems like a decent enough reason to kick him out of the sport forever, if you ask me, but I guess he “grew up” and is the “second best player in the world,” so everyone’s willing to forget that he totally stomped on that guy’s jingle-jangles.

3. Kaka – Brazil

His name sounds like poop. There, I said it. Moving on. This devoutly Christian midfielder is predicted by EA Sports to win the “Golden Boot” award, which sounds more like a prize given to cobblers, but whatever.

4. Didier Drogba – Ivory Coast

Drogba is a forward who is “big, strong, and fast.” I chose that description of him because I know what all those words mean.

5. Cristiano Ronaldo – Portugal

I have saved this midfielder for the end, because although he isn’t listed as the first or second best player, is most certainly number one in my heart. Less because of his skills on the soccer field (football pitch, what-ev-er) and more for that chiseled face and impeccable bod he’s got over there. Unfortunately, the GQ article called him an “unrepentant whiner,” which I think is code for “viciously hot.”

There you have it, the top 5 players to watch this World Cup, brought you you by a completely soccer-illiterate monkey in a cubicle. 8 days!

Most facts brought to you by GQ