Over this past weekend, I had the unfortunate experience of getting dragged to a beer bar with some friends. Alright, dragged might be a bit of an over-statement, but I sure would have rather gone somewhere else. However, the night proved to be successful in a couple ways- a) I ate a phenomenal grilled cheese, and b) I got to do some research to inform you readers of what you’re getting yourself into if you ever go to a beer bar.

1) The Beer Snob-

Really, this should encompass 90% of the people in these bars. They love their beer, and if you have anything to say about how disgusting the mud flavored cherry juice they’re drinking is, they will explode in anger, belittling you for not understanding the brewing process and mocking what ever your choice of beverage is.

2) The Hipster

No matter if the body heat in the bar is reaching 117 degrees, their checkered scarf and newsboy cap will not budge. They will roll their eyes and fake-vomit every time a song comes on the jukebox that they didn’t choose, and will argue politics all night long, usually with…

3) The weird old guy who might be a professor but also might be homeless.

He seems to know what he’s talking about when he’s spouting off about literature and the economy, but he smells like cat food and hasn’t bought himself a single beer all night, and you’re pretty sure there is something other than tobacco in that pipe.

4) The girlfriend who’s pretending to love her beer

She’s laughing and talking with her friends, but every time she takes a sip of whatever murky pint she’s drinking, she makes a face like she just smelled a dead raccoon. You’ve gotta give her credit for trying.

5) The outcast drinking Bud Light

For future reference- ordering Bud Light at a snobby bear bar is like ordering a teriyaki chicken bowl at a sushi joint. The jukebox music stops, the conversations come to a halt, and everyone looks at you like you personally ruined the party. I didn’t ever think that ordering beer at a beer bar would be a problem, but note to self: it is.