I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure I recently read somewhere that men are genetically predisposed to be disgusting. Your affinity for farting, your copious back hair, your ability to turn a bathroom into bio-chemical warfare zone, each of these features are part of the reason that you get the cold-shoulder when you oh-so-gracefully rub your genitals against us in the morning.

While we by no means expect you to change all of your guy habits, there are a few that we would LOVE if you kept to a minimum while we’re around. On those days when you’re with your “bros,” have at it, but when in the company of the (much) fairer sex, could you stop being so repulsive?

1. Can you stop farting under the blanket?

Nothing ruins the mood in bed like the sound of a muffled expulsion of gas that we can feel on our legs. Oh wait, I’m sorry, there is something worse: when you giggle like a ten year old boy afterwards. We all understand that farting is hilarious, no one is above this. But when you voluntarily create a dreaded Dutch oven in the same 20 sq. ft that you expect to have sex in, therein lies the problem.

2. Could you stop smelling like a 13 year old boy?

Axe body spray has some of the greatest advertising campaigns of all time- they get a bunch of hot chicks to take an otherwise bedraggled male and turn him into a sex-pot Mr. Suave that attracts all the ladies. However, Axe is actually only age appropriate for males who have not yet reached puberty, or are going through it and need something to mask the pubescent stank in the locker room. Please, pick a grown up cologne, or, if you want to get real crazy- take a shower!

3. Will you please groom yourself?

Luckily for you you weren’t born in Victorian England, and today’s standards for women’s, well, “grooming,” are extremely high. Women go to great lengths to keep their nether-regions up to your standards, and yet you feel it’s perfectly acceptable to wear a “sweater” of sorts around your junk, and then want us to go near it. I don’t know how to type more of this without getting explicit, so I’ll leave it at this: clean up, Curly Sue.

4. Would you mind not discussing your bowel movements in public?

As I stated earlier in the post, your conversations with your friends are none of our concern. You can discuss whatever your creepy heart desires. But if you’d like us to continue to be attracted to you, discussing at length the details and frequency of your bowel movements should never, ever happen. Stop it.

5. Is it unfair to ask you not hock loogies in front of us?

When I was a kid, my dad was the King of Loogies. He’d spit them out the window of the car, or on the sidewalk, or in the sink, but never before making that “productive cough” noise that sounds like your stabbing a possum and vomiting at the same time. He did it because “keeping mucus in your chest is bad for you,” so I always thought it was normal. And then I realized it’s disgusting and should be done in the privacy of your own home/bathroom/cave. Don’t do it in front of us. It’s freaking repulsive.

So, in short, can you just stop being so repulsive?