For the second month in a row, a great drinking holiday is falling on a Wednesday, the one night a week I have class until 10 pm. Thanks, Booze gods, you did it again.

For all you out there who ARE able to celebrate this lovely fifth of may by drinking until you pass out in a bean and cheese burrito, here are a few rules to follow to make sure you have un muy bueno tiempo. Is that right? I don’t think that’s right.

1. Do eat

Mexican food is perfect pre-drinking food. Meat, beans, rice, and tortillas are all filling enough to trick your stomach into thinking you’re not about to drown it in medical grade alcohol! Eat well, and eat often, but do not be surprised tomorrow if you notice shredded lettuce in your vomit*. It’s perfectly normal.

2. Don’t call it Mexican Independence day

Because it’s not. There used to be a time, years ago, when it was perfectly okay to be ignorant of what cultural holidays meant. I mean come on, were you supposed to go to the library and try and navigate that stupid Dewey Decimal system? Yeah, sure, Nerdy McNotgettinglaid. But now, there is a thing called Wikipedia, and also tabbed browsing, so you can actually learn about Cinco De Mayo while responding to your friend Lisa’s “MARGARITAS OMGGG” invite on Facebook.

3. Do cab it

Like St. Patrick’s Day, New Years, and Halloween, sobriety check points are everywhere on Cinco De Mayo. I mean, yeah, we all know drinking and driving is stupid and dangerous and reckless, but imagine if you went to jail on Cinco de Mayo for drunk driving. Talk about CLI- CHÉ!

4. Do not order a blended margarita

It’s friggin’ the most annoying type of drink to make  (save for the deadly Mojito) and most bartenders will punish you for ordering it by shorting you on tequila and adding more sweet and sour. Hello, hangover!

5. Do get a good night’s sleep

If you were lucky enough to get the day off, you’re probably not reading this, which means if you are, you’re probably stuck at work till 5 or so. Do yourself a favor and being drinking immediately (but not until after you eat, Buster Brown!), so as to ensure you can be home, drunkenly trying to make a macaroni and cheese with coffee creamers, by 10 or so. Remember, it’s Wednesday!

Good luck, and happy Cinco de Mayo! Olé! Ohmygod that was lame.

*Hint: Tequila hurts coming up. Bring antacids to work the next day. You’ll thank me later.