I don’t know about your state, but California at the moment is having a severe infestation. Not of locusts or fruit flies; that might be bearable, but instead it’s the dreaded hipsters. With their too-small shirts and fixed-gear bikes, they’re everywhere, at all the bars and parks and stoplights. The worst part of these hipsters? Their mustaches. They’re awful. Like, rapist van awful, and yet they keep them because the hipster ladies love them and they think it makes them look… I don’t know… manly? Here are the 5 WORST types of facial hair, and what the men donning them are thinking.

1) The ironic hipster stache

“I am very awesome, as can be perceived by this pathetic toothbrush of a ‘stache. It took me the better part of a year to grow these feeble pube-like strands and now you’re gonna enjoy it. Yeah, you like how I know the name of some obscure band that will never be famous? I thought so. Wanna go do it in my apartment? My walls are covered in Dali painting posters I bought at Spencer gifts. ”

2) The chinstrap

“See what I’ve done here? I’ve masked the fact that I have no chin by specifically outlining it for you, like when women draw lip liner around the outside of their lips. But then I realized I wasn’t making enough of a statement, so I decided to have my cousin make it into a lightning shape. Now you see, I have a chin, and a personality! BOOM.”

3) The goatee

“Dude, Ken Caminiti was the best baseball player in the world, you could tell by how it looked like he dipped the lower front quadrant of his head into brown paint. Perhaps by emulating him I will also pull many chicks who are also stuck in the mid ’90s.”

4) The flavor saver

“I hate facial hair but still must prove to the world that I am capable of growing it. I probably wear hemp necklaces and tye-dye shirts and- OOH A CORNFLAKE! I knew I might want to eat that later.”

5) The full beard

I’m sorry. I can not talk bad about the full beard. Look at that full beard. I like that full beard. And paired with those piercing blue eyes, it’s like, ::swoon::