I’m sorry. That heading was supposed to say, “Vienna Girardi Wins ‘The Bachelor’,” although I still think mine is more accurate.

Here are the questions that don’t matter: Did Vienna have an affair with a crew member? Did she really steal money from her Marine ex-husband? IS SHE LEADING A DOUBLE LIFE?

Here are the questions that do matter: Why are people still watching this show? How many brain cells does one lose while watching these women degrade themselves on national television? How many ABC executives would I have to ninja kick to get them to stop airing this show right after Modern Family, forcing me to see at least 13 – 15 seconds of rehearsed skank-fights and nonsensical crying?

Monsieur Jake would be better off spending his hard earned cash on OBC. At least then he wouldn’t have to deal with the alimony payments he’s inevitably getting himself into, while still getting ass in every jacuzzi, beach front, bathroom, closet, and dinner table he sees fit.

Congrats to happy (re: artificial) couple!