We at BCU are (obviously) down for booty calls. They can be a stress reliever, a confidence boost, even a hangover cure. But let’s get honest, guys, not all chicks are down for booty calls, even if they shrilly claim they “totally just want a physical relationship and nothing else I swear,” there are just some ladies who (usually by no fault of their own) are not genetically engineered for casual, no-strings-attached sex. Let’s begin the lesson.

1. The chick who broke up with her boyfriend 8 days ago

I submit that “on the rebound” be stricken from all dictionaries.  The idea that a woman who’s pillows still smell like her ex can have a healthy, satisfying one night stand is a whole barrel of bull. She might be claiming that “she’s totally ready to be single and get with on her life,” but the truth is she will either a) spend the night crying on your shoulder or b) will latch on to you and swear you are her new boyfriend. Either of these options are sure to ruin your week.

2. The girl who’s “never does this”

If you sleep with a girl and she claims she doesn’t normally “do” one night stands, you can safely assume that she’s either definitely lying or will spend the next 4 days sobbing in a hot shower, and all her friends will hate you for destroying her self esteem. Always pick the girl out of the group who isn’t ashamed that she enjoys sex. But just… you know. Use a condom or something.

3. The friend you used to crush on

It may look and feel like a dream come true, but your pure, undying, teen-angst love will come back the second you climax. And guess what, she’s not into you.

4. Your recent ex

We are total proponents for hooking up with some chick you used to date a few years ago. They’ve usually moved on and don’t feel like ever dating you again, but are down to rekindle some “I already know what makes you scream” fun.  But that girl who’s heart you broke a week ago? Do not go down that road. She will probably use the sex as a segue into explaining how perfect you two are for each other, and who wants to listen to that?

5. The crazy girl

We all know those guys who dated some chick for months longer than they should’ve on the grounds that she was mind-blowing in bed. And although you probably fantasized about her every time you saw her, do not seek her out post-breakup for a romp. Instead of picturing her naked like you normally do, picture her like that time she keyed your buddy’s car, or broke into his bedroom, or when she sat on his doorstep for 2 days in the rain. She needs to remain in your fantasies, and out of the real world.