Lights dimmed, wine poured, fan on low for a nice breeze – but what’s missing?? For some of us, good tunes are a must-have when it comes to a great booty call. And with plenty of sexy playlists on Spotify and Apple Music, there’s always an easy set of smooth, steamy jams to accompany your romp. 

But what about the songs that are SUPPOSED to be sexy, but are actually, um… less than? Over on VICE, they’re listing the worst sex songs ever. Check em out and see if you agree.

The Weeknd – Earned It

“Yeah, look… the sex appeal of The Weeknd’s music can be shattered when you realise it’s retelling the sexual fantasy of a middle-aged person in a “cheating on your wife with your younger, hotter secretary” way. Kind of gives predatory vibes, y’know?”

Ginuwine – Pony

“Somewhere in the world, right now, there is a man in his bedroom practising grinding and humping the ground to this song. I blame Magic Mike for setting the men of the world back 50 years. Bring back when they used to build houses and go to war!”

Ariana Grande – 34+35

“Using math to make a cunnilingus innuendo is unforgivable.”

Justin Timberlake+ Timberland – SexyBack 

“I don’t know who told Justin Timberlake he was bringing sexy back. And I don’t know why he thought this song was proof. This song is far too distracting – way too much shit going on. Timberland’s adlibs feel like they’re being said by the creepy roommate of your one-night stand who’s holding a cup to the bedroom door to hear everything.”

Ellie Goulding – Love Me Like You Do

“As expected, another Fifty Shades song has deservedly appeared on this list. Because just like the movie, this song is corny. -1000 horniness.”

John Mayer – Your Body is a Wonderland

“I just can’t get past the very cringe, very forceful “I’m a little heartthrob loverboy with my little guitar let me put this husky voice on and seduce you” thing he puts on throughout this entire song. This song pops off for white folks though, so I’ll leave it for them.”

Chris Brown – Back to Sleep

“I know you’re almost half asleep, But you know how much I need ya…
So, baby, when I wake you up, just let me rock. I’ma fuck you back to sleep girl”

“Yuck as fuck.”