It’s Friday, so let’s get freaky. Look no further than this article over at VICE, where a writer tried out an, um… innovatice new toy that allow you to have sex with your scrotum. What? Yeah, we don’t know either. Let’s hear it:

After being emailed repeatedly about the numerous abilities of the Balldo (“the world’s first ball-dildo”, according to its manufacturers), each one more incredible than the last (including but not limited to: the Balldo “allows the wearer and recipient to have ‘Ballsex’ and have their first ‘ballgasm’”, the Balldo is a “solution for ED [erectile dysfunction]” and is a “never seen before way of extra pleasure in sex”), I knew it was my professional duty to experience this. 

 I attempted my first foray into ballsex with my partner Erin, after extensive foreplay and prep to make sure they were ready to receive their first ball-dildo. We tried missionary and barely got the tip in. More lube. Still didn’t work. More lube. Tried doggy, super slow. Still didn’t work. More lube. Tried missionary again, with Erin’s legs spread high as instructed by the Balldo makers. 

We were onto a fisting amount of lube by now, enough to sink a ship. My dick flopped around on top like a lonely Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tubeman at a threesome he wasn’t invited to – not a sight I’ll forget any time soon. This carried on until I spotted drops of blood on the sheets, so we discontinued our investigation. The situation had become about as sexy as a Tory conference at a depressed seaside town. 

This was the worst sex toy I’ve ever tried, and that includes the one that was like fucking an inkjet printer. Thankfully, Erin’s bleeding only lasted for a short time; we had non-ball-involved sex the next morning and it was fine. In conclusion, yes, it turns out you can actually fuck someone with your balls. But just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.  

Big thanks to this writer at VICE who saved us all a whole lot of trouble. No thanks, Balldo.