For the most part on OBC, booty calls are fun, light-hearted, NSA hookups between casual acquaintances or friends. They end as quickly as they begin with both parties going back to their lives without any unnecessary small talk.

But what happens if, after a date/hookup, you find yourself “catching feelings”? Well, an advice columnist over at VICE has some answers.

Hey man. I’m sleeping with this person, and it’s casual, but I think I’m starting to get attached. I’m not sure what I want, or what to do about these feelings.

I don’t tend to go all bio-chem with the answers, but this one warrants it.

“Sex releases the hormone oxytocin. It’s the reason we bond and fall in love with people,” says Dr Laura Vowels, an expert advisor and principal researcher for Blueheart, a sex therapy app. Generally when our brain decides to emit this chemical, we feel empathetic, caring, and we trust people a little more. Levels of oxytocin increase when we hug or have orgasms, for instance. 

“It’s completely understandable that after good sex we feel closer to someone and perhaps start having feelings for them,” says Vowels.

Given the fact that this is literal biology, “it’s very common for friends with benefits and casual sex partners to start having feelings,” adds James Thomas, relationship expert at Condoms.uk.

Oxytocin, among other things, will make us feel like we have feelings for the person we’re fucking, but that doesn’t mean we do have feelings or that we are attached to them. So first of all, we need to suss out what’s actually on our minds. 

There’s a few ways to do this. Easiest being just have a sit and think. Grab a pen and paper if that’s your bag, or a mate and a pint, whatever. Doesn’t matter. But if you’re new to this self-reflection lark, “journaling the thoughts is a good thing to do, because you can actually read it back, plus getting it out of your head is always useful,” says relationship expert John Kenny. However you do it, racking your mind is key. You have a bunch of questions to answer. Namely: 

– Do you care about this person as much when you haven’t seen them for a little while? 

– Are they on your mind quite a lot? 

– Are you sure this isn’t just lust? 

– Are you sure you’re not just a bit lonely and are using this to fill a gap? 

– When you think about them, are you thinking about the sex or more about their personality, and that thing they said? 

“Make it more transactional – straight in, straight out. No supplementary meals together, or time together. You’ve got to keep them at arm’s length and essentially cut off everything but the intimate sessions you’ve both agreed to,” says Thomas. 

There you have it. If you’re catchin’ feelings and don’t want a relationship, you need to make it all about the sex. If the feelings keep comin back? Well then, “first comes sex, then comes love” is another motto we love :)