EYYYYOOOOO! How was your weekend? Did you party? Did you lounge? Did you chill like a vill(ain)? Well, shed those good vibes cause this is about the saddest, most pathetic, worst thing we’ve ever seen. Also, HILARIOUS, but not as sad, pathetic, and awful.

Above is an excel chart that an anonymous Redditor’s husband sent her to demonstrate how upset he was at the lack of sex. According to throwwwwaway29, her husband sent it to her work e-mail just as she was leaving for a business trip.

Yesterday morning, while in a taxi on the way to the airport, Husband sends a message to my work email which is connected to my phone. He’s never done this, we always communicate in person or by text. I open it up, and it’s a sarcastic diatribe basically saying he won’t miss me for the 10 days I’m gone. Attached is a SPREADSHEET of all the times he has tried to initiate sex since June 1st, with a column for my “excuses”, using verbatim quotes of why I didn’t feel like having sex at that very moment. According to his ‘document’, we’ve only had sex 3 times in the last 7 weeks, out of 27 “attempts” on his part.

UGHHHHHHH! I don’t know who I feel worse for, the wife that is clearly repulsed by her human-Excel chart husband, or Mr. Excel, whose wife would rather watch reruns of a 15-year-old show than even CONSIDER getting frisky with him. Commenters over on Deadspin made some great points, like the fact that this chart could only be made by the world’s least sexually passionate human being (he probably said THIS as his proposition), as well as noting that the repetitive lack of desire might imply that this wife is being less-than-faithful.

To the husband in the matter, we suggest you take your wife to dinner, tell her how sexy you find her, make out in the cab, and then see where it takes you. And to the wife? GIVE IT UP, GIRL. Your marriage ain’t gonna last if you can’t even acquiesce to even A THIRD of your husband’s advances.

And to every single person reading this? We say, REASON #24,255 NOT TO GET MARRIED: THIS SHIT.