There’s a guy in my neighborhood who walks his Pomeranian around in a stroller. At first I thought maybe the poor pup was injured, but he takes the dog out once they arrive to his house and the dog sprints to the door, just as spry as can be. This guy also sits his dog on the table at the cafe by his house, and in answer to your question, NO I’MNOT STALKING HIM, he just happens to always be out at random times with his goddamn dog! I love dogs, no doubt, but I have to admit it makes me wonder if he like, really loves his dog. In like, a TLC show kind of way.

Animal researcher Margaret Howe Lovatt would understand that sort of human on animal relationship, as we learned during a preview for her documentary, The Woman Who Talked to Dolphins. According to her own testimony, there were occasions when she would engage in, ahem, “relations” with Peter, a young dolphin she met during her research.

In the beginning when he would get rambunctious and had this need, I would put him on the elevator and say, “You go play with the girls for a day”…I was just easier to incorporate [dolphin handjobs] and let it happen. It was very precious. It was very gentle…Again it was sexual on his part, it was not sexual on mine. Sensuous perhaps. It would just become part of what was going on, like an itch. Just get rid of that. Scratch it and we’ll be done. Move on. And that’s really all it was. I was there to get to know Peter. That was part of Peter.

I like that Lovatt makes it clear that it WAS NOT sexual on her part, but that sure, it was “sensuous.” SUUURE. On the other hand, though, we have known dolphins to be sexually aggressive (and that they can go on MURDEROUS RAMPAGES if they’re not satisfied), so maybe we gotta cut Lovatt and her male counterpart Malcolm Brenner some slack. They’re just victims of those sexual deviant dolphins.

Now we just gotta wait for the trending Twitter topic #NotAllDolphins. Defend yourself, Flipper!