Tomorrow is America’s birthday. It’s a wonderful holiday where we can all enjoy the sunshine, spend time with friends and family, and eat all the greasy USA grub that fits in our bellies. Maybe partake in a few extra beers or (if you’re in Colorado or Washington) partake of the earth’s pleasures and get down and dirty with a sexy coed.

What you shouldn’t do on this most patriotic of holidays is to take a sh*t-load of bath salts, crash an SUV into the side of a house, and then have a Walking Dead-style freakout as seven cops attempt to restrain you.

Be safe tomorrow, guys. Have fun, get laid, and be safe. It’s what the Founding Fathers would want.