So, if you were on the internet yesterday, instead of being curled up in the fetal position in bed for 24 hours like someone I know, you probably learned that actor Michael Douglas, who is currently two-years cancer free, says that his form of cancer was caused by HPV, which is generally contracted via oral sex.

From The Guardian:

“Asked whether he now regretted his years of smoking and drinking, usually thought to be the cause of the disease, Douglas replied: “No. Because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus.”

Douglas, the husband of Catherine Zeta Jones (ed. note: do you think CZJ gave it to him?!), continued: “I did worry if the stress caused by my son’s incarceration didn’t help trigger it. But yeah, it’s a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer.”

Uh, SAY WHAT?! I remember learning a couple years ago that blowjobs were giving ladies cancer, but I had never really thought about the opposite being true, because the thought of guys saying no to oral sex at the possibility that they’ll develop “walnut-sized tumors” at the back of their throat sounds too terrible to imagine.

What can we say? We hope that people are honest about their sexual health status, but that might not be the case, especially since HPV often presents without symptoms. And considering as much as 57% of the population tests positive for HPV-16, there’s a good chance that your late-night booty call – guy OR girl – could end up having some unsavory shenanigans going on in their nether regions.

It’s a bummer for us all, single friends. But we may have to put the kibosh on oral until you’re okay getting STD tests together. Either that or we’ll all have to start using Qpid.me. Gotta do what you gotta do, I guess!

UPDATE: Since this post was written, Michael Douglas’ rep has come forward to say “Michael Douglas did not say cunnilingus was the cause of his cancer. It was discussed that oral sex is a suspected cause of certain oral cancers as doctors in the article point out, but he did not say it was the specific cause of his personal cancer.”

However, The Guardian went “oh-no-she-dit-int” and posted the transcript, so I guess we’ll all just agree to disagree.

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