In what could only be called a response to my deepest, most unsettling nightmares – we have learned that Hulk Hogan has a sex tape. A SEX TAPE. STARRING HULK HOGAN. The hot-dog skinned professional wrestler of my childhood, who loved America and calling people “SON,” is the star of a 30 minute sex-tape recently sent to Gawker, and oh boy is it awkward.

First of all, it starts with a “mystery guy” in the room with them (many claim that it is fellow wrestler Bubba the Love Sponge), who is seen leaving the room while saying, “you guys do your thing,” leading most to believe that the Hulk’s co-star in the sexcapade is Bubba’s ex-wife Heather. The shortened vid (VERY NSFW) can be seen over at Gawker (if you’re into that kind of thing), although maybe not for long, as the Washington Post reports Hulk has filed a cease-and-desist agains the gossip site.

This news, paired with fact that Hulk claims he was filmed without his consent, along with the strangely hidden location of the camera genuinely leads me to believe that Bubba and his wife filmed the tryst with the intention to sell, which is totally gross and detestable and lowest-of-low.

Although I do thank them, ’cause otherwise I may have never seen Hulk’s “Thermos-sized” dong. So that’s a plus.