If you’re like me and can’t stand watching any award show at all, except maybe the last 4 minutes of the Oscars so you know what movies to rent, you probably missed last night’s MTV Video Music Awards. To be fair though, those are like the lowest common denominator of award shows. I would rather watch a preschool “citizen of the month” award ceremony than watch Kesha walk the red carpet.

However, the internet is abuzz with “hot news” and “shocking revelations” from the show, so I figured I’d at least lasso up some of the most “important” moments of the award show for you here, so when Jeanette from accounting says “OMG did you hear abou-” you can cut her off and say “YES JEANETTE I KNOW ABOUT MILEY’S HAIR PLEASE GOD JUST FINISH MY BUDGET PROPOSAL.”

– So about Miley – apparently her super original new haircut is almost an exact replica of Pink’s, and they showed up looking like total twinsies: [The Superficial]

– The Twittersphere was convinced that Rihanna and Chris Brown sexed each other on stage, when in reality it was a polite hug and peck on the cheek (also I still call that a publicity stunt): [Dlisted]

– I have run out of adjectives to describe how Nicki Minaj looks on the red carpet. So, here she is looking… “blop.” [Just Jared]

– Speaking of The Minaj-ster, some witnesses say she told Rihanna to “sit the f*** down” after beating Ri for Best Female Video. It’s probably not true. [Bossip]

– Host Kevin Hart made everyone feel awkward when he cracked jokes about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart [DailyMail]

– Some nutjob totally outdid Nicki Minaj in the Spandex leotard department. Bet she’s embarrassed. [Dlisted

– Oh, and the boring stuff – here are the winners: [MTV]