WAKE UP! SOMETHIN SOMETHIN SOMETHIN SOMETHIN MAKEUP! I DON’T KNOW THE NEXT WORDS SHAKEUP(??) blah blah blah blah shakeup!

… okay. I’m sorry guys. I’m sorry, 90s band System of a Down. That was not a good start to a morning blog post. Let’s turn a new page, shall we?

Everyone (you too, System of a Down), meet Dave. Dave has relationships with balloons. Like, loving, intensely close relationships with latex balloons, that he sleeps with, keeps tucked under his shirt, and whispers secrets to. He also steals “saves” them from places where they are abused, like car dealerships. It is really, really weird. You know what? I’m screwing this up again. Let’s let Dave speak (or whisper creepily) for himself.

Via NatGeo’s “Taboo”:

So, Dave (unlike his opposite, Amphetamine Elvira), enjoys taking care of the balloons, holding them close, and protecting them, but obviously WHAT I WANT TO KNOW is what he’s doing with them behind closed doors. Did anyone see this full episode? DID THEY TALK ABOUT THIS?

I NEED TO KNOW.