Prepare yourself for a bit of gross, creepy, and obnoxious news: according to PerezHilton, Kris Humphries is claiming that Kim Kardashian’s infamous sex tape with ex-boyfriend Ray J was her mother, Kris’ idea, and that she even required two takes, because the first “wasn’t pretty enough.”

This news comes as reports fly that Kris’ new booty call, “Myla,” has agreed to release several text messages from Humphries for the divorce proceedings between the basketballer and his reality star ex. While up until now, Kris has appeared to be a scorned, deceived man who lost the love of his life, PerezHilton says the jury may be more likely to sway in Kim’s favor after reading the text messages, in which Kris calls his new fling Myla the “love of his life,” and says he can’t wait to get the divorce over with so he can “spend the rest of his life” with her.

Smell that rotting, decaying flesh scent? Yep, that’s the smell of divorce, my friends. And what’s the number one cause of divorce? You guessed it – marriage. Just. Say. No.