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I haven’t really been following the Secret Service scandal very closely over the past week, mostly because I don’t really care about the sexual choices of people tied to the government, despite our country’s apparent obsession with the subject. Like Anthony Weiner and the many other men who have fallen prey to sexual wrongdoing, I feel that if it doesn’t affect their ability to ensure the safety and success of our nation, then it’s none of our ding-dang-dong business (emphasis on the dong).

A quick search reveals that the Secret Service scandal was pretty classic in “sexual scandal” terms. Via Wikipedia:

“In April 2012, a scandal involving Obama’s security detail received international press attention. The scandal involved 11 agents and more military personnel from all four branches who allegedly engaged prostitutes while assigned to protect the U.S. President at the 6th Summit of the Americas in Cartagena, Colombia. As of April 24, nine employees had resigned or retired”

After the research, I can definitely see the issue here, because the Secret Service’s job is to protect the President of the United States, and Columbian prostitutes might not be the most, er, savory characters one should bring into the company of The Leader of the Free World. While I’m sure the agents didn’t bring their ladies-of-the-night to dinner with the Obamas, it’s definitely poor decision making to expose yourself to a woman who likely has a pimp/leader of a drug cartel just a phone call away.

But there is clearly an issue behind this whole scandal that needs to be addressed: the idea that men in government are feeling so sexually frustrated that they are making blatantly idiotic decisions that cost them their jobs. We would say that the answer to a problem like this is pretty simple: if sex weren’t so taboo in our culture, and if men didn’t feel the need to settle down before getting into government, and instead felt welcome to hook up with whoever they wanted, whenever they wanted, they might not feel inclined to Tweet dick pics to the world and pick up hookers in South America.

OBC could have provided a plethora of women (or men, I’m sure the Secret Service is equal opportunity) for quick hook ups, booty calls, and even casual relationships. That way, when the Secret Service went overseas, with the sole job of protecting the President and his cabinet, they could have concentrated on just that… instead of getting their junk wet at some seedy Cartegena brothel*.

To the new Secret Service agents that will soon replace the resigned ones, we say, WELCOME. We’ve got all the booty you need, without the risk of getting entangled in a prostitution ring that will inevitably end in you getting fired OR having your skin turned inside out and hung from a bridge in Medellin. Just sayin’.

*It’s been brought to my attention that Secret Service agents probably went to upscale escort services and not, as I called them, “seedy brothels.” This does not change my opinion.