I am warning you – if you own a penis and want to keep your testicles on the outside of your body, YOU SHOULD NOT READ THIS. If you chose to read this, they will likely retract into your body like scared turtles.

According to the Smoking Gun and the Wichita, KS police department, a man had to be hospitalized after being stabbed in the scrotum with a hypodermic needle, WHICH BROKE OFF INSIDE HIS SACK. The victim claimed that the stabbing happened after an argument with a woman, although police can not determine if it is just an acquaintance or if it was his girlfriend.

The police report goes on to say that the victim went in for surgery at St. Francis Hospital after a CAT scan determined that part of the needle broke off inside his scrotum, and adds that the victim “was not cooperative.”

UM. OKAY. I’M SORRY, POLICE OFFICERS, BUT A MOTHER F&*%ING HYPODERMIC NEEDLE BROKE OFF INSIDE THE GUY’S SCROTUM. What did they expect? “Oh, why hello, sirs and madam, I thank you for your kind attention to my needs. It seems as though I may have a 10 centimeter shard of puncturing metal inside the most sensitive area in my body, but before I tend to it, may I answer any questions for you?”

Police say they have made no arrests yet, but if found, the attacker would be charged with a felony count of aggravated assault, although she should be burned at the stake.