Not JUST sex with a dolphin, but a nine-month “intimate relationship” with it. Yep. Put your frosted flakes down, because it gets worse. According to Flash News, 58-year-old Malcolm Brenner is claiming that in 1971 he carried out a relationship with Ruby, a dolphin in captivity at a Florida amusement park (ah yes, the most sane state* in the Union!) and instantly forged a relationship with her. He details this all in his new book (prepare for nausea) Wet Goddess: Recollections of a Dolphin Lover, available on Amazon.com.

Via Flash News:

He says the dolphin would nuzzle, flirt, and dance for him in the water, making it known that she wanted something more than friendship.

The constant “come-ons” led Brenner to look at Ruby as a person. At the dolphin’s suggestion they got physical and engaged in sex, an experience he calls “phenomenal.”

Brenner says a relationship with a dolphin is hard because they’re clingy and “require attention 24/7.” Since his tryst with Ruby, he’s never loved another.

Oh, man, what a BITCH, that dolphin, huh? Gettin’ all clingy and sh*t after basically being MOLESTED BY A HUMAN PENIS. To be fair, we’ve seen male dolphins try to take advantage of female SCUBA divers, in fact we even released a PSA on it, but that doesn’t change that fact that Brenner had a whirlwind relationship with a FRIGGIN DOLPHIN and then ditched her. I vote we bring him on Ocean Maury (hosted by an octopus, obviously) and get a paternity test to see if Ruby’s child belongs to dead beat Malcolm Brenner because if so he TOTALLY OWES CHILD SUPPORT, GIRLFRIEND.

*it should be noted that beastiality is not illegal in Florida. Obviously.