It’s officially the end of summer vacation for most college students in San Diego, which was made apparent by the unusually high amount of drunk-asses parading their way through the streets of downtown this weekend.

With the end of summer and the stress of classes and homework and career planning comes winter, and in my experience this leads to a communal weight gain among the 20-something crowd. Everyone’s wearing big coats and pants and scarves so it’s easier to hide the fact that you’ve been eating Tostino’s Pizza Rolls for every meal and creating a stubborn inner tube of fat around your mid-section. We all know it and acknowledge it and come February, we all make sure to begin chiseling away at it in time for Spring Break.

NOT SUSANNE EMAN, THOUGH. This 32-year-old Arizona woman is aiming to become the world’s fattest woman, calls herself a “super-size big beautiful woman,” and wants to be a barf-worthy 1,600 pounds to achieve her goal. The Daily Mail covered her story (probably because no one else was interested), and we’ve collected the best quotes for you here. Ready your sick bags, soldiers:

‘At my current rate of growth, I should be 1,600 lbs by age 41 or 42.’ – Hahahaha, suuuure. You’ll definitely make it ten years.

‘The bigger I get, the better I feel. I feel more confident and sexy. Why shouldn’t I push the limits and see how fat I can get and stay healthy?’ It’s like how I always say, “why SHOULDN’T I try and merge my car under a semi like in National Lampoon’s Vacation?”

‘I go for a waddle and do stretches and exercises every day.’ Hahahahaha

‘Two years ago I hit 490 lbs because I was losing my battle against weight gain.’ LOSING YOUR BATTLE? Getting fat is not CANCER, YOU AWFUL WOMAN.

‘If I was to get sick, I’ve arranged for my sister to take care of my kids.’ That’s depressing.

‘I want to break the stigma that being fat is a bad thing. I remind other fat people that it is OK for them to be that way.‘ She should definitely do an “It Gets Better” video, except instead of for gay kids, for morbidly obese, lazy teenagers.

I’m sorry I put you through that, guys. I promise I’ll never rape your eyes with something this disgusting again except I probably will but sorry anyway. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get on elliptical for three hours.