Remember yesterday when I said I would probably give up a million dollars if it meant I didn’t have to ride on a terrifying water slide? Remember when I said that? Okay – new scenario. If you said “if you ride this terrifying death spiral ride one time, you DON’T have to do a slip-n-slide down the urinal trough at Wrigley Park,” I would put on my most wedgie-resistant bathing suit, grab a barf bag, and SPRINT to the top of that water slide.

Because F*CK THAT.