I don’t know about you, but I’ve NEVER been a fan of haunted houses. Something about willfully walking yourself into an underground building where people are paid to make you crap your pants and want to vomit and feel like crying all at the same time just doesn’t sound like a good night out to me. Then again, I don’t like spiders and rollercoasters make me sick, so this might all come down to me being a huge p*ssy, but still.

According to Variety, creator of Hostel (one of the most unapologetically horrifying movies ever) Eli Roth has teamed with Universal Studios in Holly wood to recreate the Slovakian snuff film locale of his first film, so that park visitors can experience horror on par with their worst nightmares right after eating sixteen corndogs. GREAT!

The maze will re-imagine the film’s dehumanizing torture chambers and send guests on a spiraling journey through the corrupt halls of Elite Hunting’s torture factory. Elite Hunting, a secret society that tortures and kills American youth for sport in exchange for large sums of money, will prowl the factory and prey on its many maze visitors.

You might say “hey, dude, it’s a RIDE. Just like any other haunted house. Everyone knows it’s pretend and it’s just an adrenaline rush just like the movie,” and to them I say SHUT YOUR MOUTH, they CUT A MAN’S ACHILLES TENDONS IN THAT MOVIE. I WAS SCARRED FOR MONTHS.

All I’m saying is, maybe in a world where 10% of the nation is jobless and going to college is both unlikely and almost meaningless, and there is a hole in the ozone layer, and the Mayan-predicted end of the world is just a year away, and people are getting high on bath salts and raping goats, MAYBE kids don’t need more things to scare them sh*tless. That’s all.

If you are one of those masochistic people who enjoy these kinds of things, read more at Variety. And then see a doctor, for all of our sakes.