It’s been a while since we’ve had a really great dose of Obviously Obvious News (although we did get a taste with the news that Kat Von D and Jesse James split), so let’s get a good one to round out the month of July, shall we? According to Playmate Crystal Harris’ appearance on Howard Stern’s radio show, her ex-fiance, 85-year-old Hugh Hefner, only last “two seconds” in bed. She claims that the engaged couple only had sex once,

“Then I was just over it,” she says. “I was like, ‘Ahhh.’ I was over it. I just like, walked away. I’m not turned on by Hef, sorry.” Harris also mentioned that Hefner “doesn’t really take off his clothes. I’ve never seen Hef naked.”

It’s not as though we needed any more reasons to believe that their engagement was a sham and that she was just using the multi-millionaire mogul to get some publicity and a record deal, but if we did that’s definitely it. A woman who sauntered across red carpets in ungodly expensive dresses, lived in a mansion, and was gifted a 3-carat engagement ring (that she kept post-break up, BTW) by her doting fiance says they only had sex ONCE? And then went on a dirty radio show to share embarrassing information about the encounter with half a million listeners? If that is not a clear sign of wretched gold-digging then I really don’t know what is.

AND ANYWAY, I mean, OBVIOUSLY, DUH, B*TCH, the man is an octogenarian! There are 30-year-olds who can barely hold their load that long, let alone a man who lived through the friggin’ Depression!!!! You expect a man whose first marriage ended in NINETEEN FORTY SEVEN is going to be a stallion in bed? COME ON, DUMMY.

Unfortunately, there is no telling if Hef was in on the scam too, or if he really is the jilted ex he seems to be. If he was, I guarantee he’ll never admit it – so until then, we’ll jut have to assume that Crystal Harris is a superficial, abusive, conniving whore who left an 85-year-old man at the altar and won’t suffer any repercussions for it. GO AMERICA!

Via Gawker