I am of the school of thought that television as an art medium is legitimate, important, and under appreciated. My DVR’s recordings range from nature shows (Life!), to Thursday night comedies (30 Rock!), to medical dramas (shut up). However, the one strain of television diseases that I refuse to catch is the incurable infection of the reality show. I can not deny that I am guilty of sharing depressing, post-breakup days with a tub of Ben&Jerry’s and an 8 hour Laguna Beach marathon, but that was in high school. It’s time to man up and bring back the era of creativity in television.

Ha, ha, I know. It’s never going to happen. But can we at least shoot the following 5 women/men/entire series into space and make them mine moon rocks forever? (actually, never mind. The moon deserves better.)

1. Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi

Look at her. She looks like a troll. A chubby, acrylic-nailed troll. I want to stretch her body like Play-Doh into some creature that isn’t wider than it is tall. The lack of sexuality that this “sex symbol” exudes is so utterly dismal, MTV should be ashamed of putting her on television.

2. Spencer and Heidi

There is no explanation needed for why these two should fall into a well, but I shall share two: she is made of enough plastic to be considered a fire hazard, and his face is fairly reminiscent of an Ewok on meth amphetamines.

3. The Bachelor in its entirety

“Ha! Ha! Let’s all pretend to fall in love with this guy who has less personality than a paper bag of rocks! And no, we’re not struggling LA actresses who will do anything short of pornography to become famous! Why would you think that?! Ha! Ha!”

4. Jon and Kate

A tribute to the world’s worst parents, Jon and Kate Plus 8 was such a depressing success that it actually made two horrific parents split, and thus become even more horrific-er. One is now marrying a 23 year old, and the other is away from her children on a “celebrity” dance show (Which should also be destroyed and sent to space).

5. Tyra Banks

Whether its on her talk show where she talks about women with multiple vaginas, or on America’s Next Top Model (a fairly decent show if she weren’t there ruining it), Tyra Banks is a great example of women who somehow disprove Galileo’s discovery that the Earth revolves around the sun. The way she slips anecdotes about her life into every minute of every episode, the only conclusion we can draw is that the Sun is now revolving around Tyra.