Pillow talk (noun): confidences exchanged in bed or in intimate circumstances between spouses or lovers.

We might add to the very end of that definition, perhaps “or a random chick you met at a bar,” but either way, you get the jist. Pillow talk is the bedroom banter that you would probably not ever want your mother to hear, but can be one of your greatest tools between the sheets. However, there are those whose pillow talk skills are about as sensual as getting a pap smear, so for you, here are BCU’s top 5 worst things to say in bed.

1. Penis or Vagina

As far as I can tell, we’re not in Anatomy 101, so there should be no usage of terms from that textbook. There is a reason so many nicknames have been created for these two specific body parts, and it’s because their given names sound like contagious diseases.

2. Cute

Hot, sexy, beautiful, gorgeous…  these words are permissible while getting it on. The word cute, either in reference to a body part or action, is not allowed. You might think the face she made was cute, but for for god’s sake don’t say so. And ladies, calling his parts “cute” will get you in a cab home quicker than you can say “that’s not what I meant.”

3. Dude

I am as guilty as anyone of chronically abusing the word dude. It’s a meaningless plug in our California-kid vernacular, and I accept that. However, usage of the word “dude” during sex is strictly forbidden. “Dude, you look so hot right now,” is not nearly as sexy as you might think.

4. I’m sorry

Perhaps you feel you didn’t last long enough, or maybe you just felt like you weren’t at your peak performance. Either way, apologizing after sex will create quite possibly the most awkward situation we humans ever have to encounter. Assuming you didn’t like, punch her in the back of the head, there is no reason for a sorry.

5. That’s weird.

Whether you are talking about someone’s sexual request, a birthmark, or a sound, there is absolutely, under no circumstances, any excuse to say something is weird while both parties are naked. By doing so you are thus negating any chance of ever having sex with him/her again. Keep your thoughts to yourself, Romeo.