Were you under the impression that your vagina was okay? Well, you were wrong. According to beauty “specialists” your vagina is in need of some serious adjustment. Everything from its color to its smell is gross and wrong and needs to be fixed, so with the help of Alternet, we’ve got a list of all the problems your vagina has, and some simple, if not disturbing, ways to fix them.

1. Your vagina is smelly. Solution: Vaginal Deodorant

We’ve all heard those disgusting jokes about the “fishy” smell that vaginas can get if not properly cared for.  And although it seems to me that a simple washing would do the trick, there are some products out there that will keep you fresh and clean, even if you haven’t showered in months. From scented suppositories to a “feminine spray” that has some of the same ingredients as 409, you can go from smelly to countertop clean in a jiffy!

2. Your vagina is dirty. Solution: Douching

It’s funny how even when the Department of Health says something is absolutely terrible for you, they can still sell it. In fancy packages. And advertise it in magazines. So is true of douching, which used to be a primitive form of birth control until someone realized that squirting vinegar up your hoo-ha wasn’t gonna stop those aggressive little swimmers. However, even now women are using douches to try and ward off vagina stink (once again, anyone heard of a shower?) even though doctors and scientists everywhere keep saying not to.

3.  Your vagina is loose. Solution: Vaginal Rejuvenation

What’s wrong with you women?! Why is it that after pushing an 8 pound child out yourself, you can’t stop whining and tighten that thing back up? You’re such failures that we had to invent a surgery that would do it for you. Because as we all know, if your vagina isn’t vice-grip tight, it’s pretty worthless.

4. Your vagina tastes bad. Solution: Vagina Mints

Did you know there are women in the world whose vaginas do not taste like orange sherbet? This is unfortunate, but not unsolvable. Luckily, the kind folks over at Linger Internal have created a vagina mint (which is actually just a regular mint) for you to… well.. I don’t know. I guess to stick in your vagina. Which sounds kinda like the ingredients for a yeast infection, except mint flavored.

5. Your vagina is the wrong color. Solution: Vaginal Dying or Bleaching

For generations, women around the world have been just disgusted by their vagina-colored vaginas, and wondered when someone was going to come up with a system that would make their vaginas more visually appealing. Luckily, someone came up with a bleaching system that would take that old, unfortunately colored vagina and give it a little boost, like when you throw Clorox in to get rid of dirt stains on your white jeans.