Sometimes, watching TV commercials or kids shows, you wonder if the marketing team behind them is just utterly oblivious to sexual innuendo, or if they’re creepy perverts with a weird desire to expose children to huge phalluses.

That being said, back in the day when kids actually read comic books about superheroes, you shouldn’t be surprised that there were a plethora of homoerotic and overtly sexual hidden messages on probably each and every page of every comic. Luckily, Maxim recently posted some for our enjoyment.

If you can’t read the second bubble, it says, “I sure did, Betty! I had to BEAT OFF three other guys!” … Look, we are fully aware that he means he had to fight three other teens to save his darling Betty, but looking at Archie’s short shorts, paired with those three other guys in the corner (two with no shirts on) with those stars over their heads… you can’t help but wonder what’s going on under that water.

Once again, the text bubble here says, “Don’t struggle, Hulk! I just want to give you your wildest dreams!” He is also lassoing him with a rainbow. A RAINBOW. Plus, if we’re being honest here, no one except a gay dude can pull off belted corduroy pants. I believe in this case Hulk would be called “a Bear.”

The shocked eyes, the rosy cheeks, the dress flipped up… I’ve seen this scenario before. Something is going on behind that tricycle, and I don’t wanna know what it is!

I understand that Tarzan is king of the jungle and all, but that doesn’t excuse him taking a poor, innocent monkey lady into his love cavern and taking advantage of her! Look at the way they’re looking at each other. Something about this situation is very wrong.

The thing about the Archie comics is that they take what could be a totally innocent term, put it in size 18 bold font, and make the reader suddenly aware that PEARL NECKLACE is soaked in sexual innuendo. Also, I appreciate the rapist-van purple jacket dude in the corner smiling all creepily. Thanks, Archie comics illustrator, you really know how to make cartoons sexually aggressive.

Check out more hilariously inappropriate comic book covers over at Maxim!